Part 6: The Life I Never Had
by Sgt. C. J. Crawford

My cellmate has court tomorrow. He said that he is planning on using the O.P.P. defense. That stands for ‘Other People’s Problem’. He read it in a book somewhere and he really likes it. He’s always reading some Si-Fi or Fantasy book, but hey, what else is there to do in here? Anyway, O.P.P. is a lot like my personal favorite N.M.F. (Not My Fault) only it means, “What I did wouldn’t have been wrong if you didn’t have a problem with it.” I told him to let me know how that worked out for him.

My own day in court didn’t go well at all. My folks came but Mom spent the whole time crying which got depressing after awhile. Worse than Mom though was Becky’s parents, they just sat there and stared at the floor. They didn’t even look at me. I wish I could have told them how bad I feel but my attorney wouldn’t let me speak with them. He said we needed to “avoid a display of guilt” so as not to prejudice the jury. I kid you not. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I can do at this point that will prejudice them more than killing my own wife and child.

The problem is, I’ve spent my entire life ‘avoiding a display of guilt’. Every failure, every setback, every bump in the road was not my fault; high school, college, work… the pits. The only good thing that ever happened to me was marrying Becky. She knew I took the pain killers because of my old car accident – she just didn’t know how much I needed just to get me through the day.

I feel like my life is frozen in time, locked onto one day that I have to live over and over. I was going to work, same as always, day in day out. I just wanted to go, get it over with, so I could come back home. I didn’t know Mimi followed me outside. She’s two for god’s sake, how can she move so fast? But she was behind the car when I backed out of the drive. I didn’t know. Becky was screaming, one horrible long scream that seemed to go on forever, then she hit the ground. The doctor’s said she had a stroke but I knew her heart was broken. Same as mine.

Intoxication Manslaughter. That’s what they charged me with. Fancy words but dead is dead. I got 20 years. So much for not prejudicing the jury… I keep thinking about how many ways my life could have been different without the pills, alcohol and partying. Strange how clear your mind is when you just sit and stare at a blank wall. Then again, maybe it’s just that I’m sober for the first time since the 8th grade. How ironic is it that I finally get clean and sober right when I have nothing left to live for?

My attorney said Becky’s parents are discontinuing the life support on Tuesday. I won’t get to go to the funeral… I missed Mimi’s too.

Sgt C. J. Crawford, Greenville Police Department serves as Secretary for the DFG Board of Directors.